current:

Welcome to the wonderful and wacky world of the Republican National Convention.

Starting today, the Tampa Bay area is receiving a four-day dose of GOP politics — and so will you, if you’re tuning in to any sort of media other than Bravo.

Want to watch along with Current? RSVP to our groundbreaking convention coverage and learn more here. 

Republican platforms make us want to do a lot of things. Drinking is one of them. As a public service, we want to help you get good and sauced to self-medicate after having consumed a party platform that strips women, gays and other minorities of their inalienable rights and decimates the middle class.

* Despite what we say below, remember to please drink responsibly!

What you’ll need:  

a red Solo cup (we like to party)
tissues (for your tears)
a six-pack
a bottle of liquor
A 40
duct tape
2 shot glasses

Rules and regulations:

Before pouring your beer, please engage in a round of Romney Flip-Flop Cup by flipping your red Solo cup over three to four times while you change your mind about whether you really want to do this.

Tape a 40 to your right hand and drink from it every time a white male “job creator” wearing a flag pin takes the stage. Within a few minutes you may remove the empty 40 from your hand.

Take a gentleman’s sip of your beer every time someone utters one of the following terms:

• socialism/socialist
• redistribute wealth
• Medicare
• Obamacare
• deficit
• something Ayn Rand wrote, spoken in a self-important manner

Take one shot whenever:

• Someone says something that’s blatantly false (Obama “gutting” Medicare, Romneycare being totally different from Obamacare)
• Chris Christie uses ’50s slang to describe someone
• Anyone quotes Fox News or the Heritage Foundation
• Someone says something even your grandmother would think is racist
• A candidate trots his/her perfect family on stage (take a halfsie if all the kids are blonde)
• The party brings a token minority up onstage (doesn’t count if it’s Bobby Jindal)
• Anytime anyone (looking at you, Paul Ryan and John Boehner) cries onstage — there’s no crying in politics

Take two shots if:

• Sarah Palin shows up (three if she is escorted out by security)
• Herman Cain shows up and sexually harasses the girl making sandwiches at Subway
• Paul Ryan gets down and starts doing push-ups on stage
• Anyone gets glitter-bombed

Any time a member of the GOP claims that someone did, indeed, build something, chest-bump the guy next to you and shotgun a beer. Pat yourself on the back. We bet you’ve built some cool stuff too.

If Todd Akin shows up, just finish the bottle of whatever you’re drinking. The world is going to end anyway and you legitimately need to get drunk.

Drink water:

• Anytime the GOP makes a valid point
• When you respect Ron Paul supporters
• If you’re starting to have a “50 Shades”–style fantasy about Paul Ryan

Are you playing along with us? Let us know on Twitter (@Current) using the hashtag #RNCBoozin.

If I don’t get alcohol poisoning I’m going to be SHOCKED.